Surrender Your Sensations

I looked at Rupert who was sitting on the front seat of the audience area. Next to him were Bailey, Sir Romeo and Ma’am Juliet. On his lap was a large handbag full of my things; my lunch, some extra t-shirts, and medicines. He was in an unusually clean casual today- neat white polo with casual jeans and rubber shoes. His curly brown hair was put in a fixed brush up style.

So I was no longer surprised that every woman we met entering the venue was attracted to him.

“Are you ready, Meredith?” Cherry asked me, holding my right arm to assist me.

I chuckled before I freed myself from her hold. “I’m okay, Che. You don’t have to worry.”

“But you had a nose bleed earlier. If you don’t want Cherry to support you, let me,” Minzy argued.

I immediately shook my head. “Please don’t treat me like a weak patient. I don’t want to remember my condition on this important day.”

Cherry and Minzy were stunned. David put his arm around Minzy and ruffled her hair. “Let’s focus on the competition. We have to win. We’ll take Meredith to the nationals no matter what happens,” David said and that made me smile.

Regionals came. And because of this, I had to delay my treatment.

My body was becoming weak as days passed by. Gradually, I began to feel the effects of my cancer. I got tired faster. I had difficulty breathing and I lost my appetite. My body ached more frequently, especially my chest. I was having difficulty breathing most of the time.

“Get up on the stage then,” Gelo interjected before tapping my shoulder. “We have to prepare for our battle.”

I nodded to Gelo who was our team captain. Cherry and Minzy looked at each other before simultaneously saying, “Fighting!”

I laughed as David looked at the two for what they just said. “You’re being unnecessarily too cheerful. It’s creeping me out,” he teased them. “That’s what you get for watching too many Korean dramas,” he added, earning a glare from Cherry and smack on his back from Minzy.

I just shook my head before looking back at Rupert’s place. I smiled at him, giving him a weak wave. Even though I couldn’t see his face clearly, I felt him smiling back at me. I just felt it.

It was a difficult and painful decision for Rupert to agree with what I want; to delay my treatment just so I could attend this debate competition. He did not agree at first.

“What? Meredith, are you for real? Did you hear what you said?”

“I’m sorry, Rupert. But this is my decision. I’ll delay my treatment even though my doctor disagreed with this. My father and Bailey also had the same sentiments. But…”

“But what?”

“I don’t want to delay myself again. I think if I stop now, I won’t be able to come back again to continue what I left behind.”

Chances. No one was really sure when you were going to have the right chance to do something. After recovering from cancer, I didn’t waste any time and got back to where I left things off.

I promised myself that I would live to the fullest in this second life of mine. But in that promise, I didn’t consider the fact that my cancer could come back. I thought I had a long future ahead of me so I didn’t fear starting again. A lot of things would happen and I was so sure I was ready to take all the opportunities that would come in my life.

But then …

“Meredith? Where are you going?”

I looked back. Gelo was waiting for me to come up to the stage. We have an hour to discuss our arguments for our debate later.

“I need to talk to him first,” I said, heaving off a deep sigh.

“We only have an hour to plot the things we will do,” he reminded me before nodding.

I smiled. “I’ll never miss this chance, Gelo. I sacrificed something big this time.”

I sacrificed my life … For this goal.

I was somehow having some second doubts after looking at Rupert. Is this worth it? I decided to delay my treatment and that meant allowing my cancer to progress. This could cause my life- and this could hurt Rupert big time.

I went down the stage then went straight to Rupert. I felt the excitement of the coaches as I approached them. I even heard Bailey calling my name.

“Meredith? Do you need anything? Are you feeling sick? Nosebleeds again?” Rupert immediately stood up to greet me. He was holding the big bag in his hand and he was quick to catch me in his arms.

I hugged him tightly. This man was loving me more than I expected him to.

“Are you mad at me?” I asked him while my embrace around him tightened. My arms were around his neck and my face was buried on the crook of his neck.

He was caressing my back and I felt him kissing my hair. “What’s the matter? Is something wrong with you? Do you feel sick? And why would I be mad?”

“Rupert, are you mad at me? Because I chose this debate over starting my treatment?” I asked him. I buried my face on his neck.

I felt his hug tightened around me. “This is not just a debate for you, Meredith Kaye. That’s what I realized when you told me about your decision.” He slightly separated me from him. He kissed my forehead and then cupped my cheeks. “I am proud of you for doing this. Although, I am so concerned and scared right now for your condition, I am proud of you for being driven to your goals in life.”

“Thank you for supporting me, Rupert.”

“I’m not just going to support you here. After this day, you’ll be my other half. Expect me to support you at every step of the way- now and to the future ahead of us.”

I finally lost the weight on my chest because of what he said. I nodded my head and then gave him a peck on his lips. Then I raised my left hand where he was wearing the engagement ring he gave me. “I’m excited to be Mrs. Santos later.”

“I love you, Meredith.”

“I love you too, Rupert.”

And just like that, a little more courage was added to me. Rupert gave me one more hug before he cheered for me to do well.

I suddenly realized I was lucky to have a supportive and understanding support system. I am lucky that I have a good doctor and friend who is ready to help me on my journey without invalidating my desire to live normally. I’m lucky that I have a dad who doesn’t get tired and I have Rupert who is willing to support me.

I was right in loving him and accepting him in my uncertain life.

“If you’re not tired after this, we will go straight to the mayor’s office for the civil wedding,” Rupert reminded me and that made me smile even more. “Your dad will be there.”

I smiled. “You’re lightening the weight on my chest, Rupert. In the middle of this painful battle, I’m glad I found you.”

After my regionals, Rupert and I decided to do our civil wedding. I will never forget the reaction of Dad, Aunt Bernadeth and Bailey when I said that.

“Are you getting married ?!” Aunt Bernadeth and Bailey asked in unison.

“Rupert and I wanted this to be a small civil wedding for now. We don’t want our marriage to add to our financial struggle because of my treatment. Also, this is so sudden to even plan for something bigger,” I told my dad who kept his silence. Rupert’s grip tightened on my hand.

“I don’t think there’s a reason to keep things slow, Sir. I love Meredith. I want to protect her and I want to be at her side through everything.”

Dad took a deep breath. I was so scared he would disagree but then, “Love and marriage are two different things, Mr. Santos. I hope you and Meredith are aware of that.”

Rupert and I looked at each other. He squeezed my hand before he looked back at my father. “Love is appreciating her good sides and recognizing her achievements,” he said, making me stare at him, “On the other hand, marriage is still loving her after knowing her bad sides and staying with her after she fails or she suffers.”

That day, my dad shook Rupert’s hand and tapped his back. He accepted him as my fiance and approved of our wedding.

“Watch me nail this competition,” I said to Rupert who laughed.

“It’s too early to say this but I know you will win. There is no one better than my future wife,” he replied to me, which made me laugh as well.

“You certainly know what to say to make my heartbeat flutter.”

“I love you, future Mrs. Santos.”

“I’ll be back. See you later.” I kissed him on the cheek before waving goodbye at my coaches and Bailey.

I was about to return to the stage when someone took my hand. It was Bailey. She gave me a lollipop and even though I couldn’t see her face clearly, I knew she winked at me like she always does just like before.

“I almost forgot about your magic lollipop. Break a leg, Meredith. It’s nice to see you up on that platform again.”

“Thank you for being there ever since, Bailey.”

After saying goodbye, I faced the stage again. My team was on the right side of the stage, representing the affirmative side. I could feel my adrenaline running in every nerve in my body. Because of that adrenaline, I lost my headache and weakness. I was energized while taking my steps towards the stage.

It felt like it was just yesterday, when I was standing on a very big stage while people were calling me ‘ debate genius ‘ for presenting arguments that were hard to counteract.

I smiled. This is what I called living- doing the thing I wanted to do while the people who were important to me were there to cheer and support me. Even if this would cause my life to cut short, I just knew, here and now, that I would not regret this decision.

This is how I want to live and I will keep living like this. Fuck my cancer. My illness could no longer hinder my desire to live. Living is choosing yourself over the depressing situation you are in. I will not choose my cancer again- This time, I will choose myself and what makes me happy.NôvelD(ram)a.ôrg owns this content.

If my time in this world was short, at least I could say I did the things I wanted to do the most- Win the nationals with my friends, make my father happy, and be with Rupert … For the rest of my remaining life.